Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James

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Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. JamesFifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James

Series: Fifty Shades #1

Rating: 1 of 5 stars

When literature student Anastasia Steele interviews successful entrepreneur Christian Grey, she finds him very attractive and deeply intimidating. Convinced that their meeting went badly, she tries to put him out of her mind – until he turns up at the store where she works part-time, and invites her out.

Unworldly and innocent, Ana is shocked to find she wants this man. And, when he warns her to keep her distance, it only makes her want him more.

But Grey is tormented by inner demons, and consumed by the need to control. As they embark on a passionate love affair, Ana discovers more about her own desires, as well as the dark secrets Grey keeps hidden away from public view.

Oh, my. E. L. James really made no attempt to polish this mess. I have literally never been so compelled to read something so plotless.

I mean, I get it. In fanfics, like this one, sometimes the entire point to the effort is to get some rocks off. And I get that Bella and Edward’s abstinence porn not-addressed-as-sexual tension generated a little bubble of emptiness in certain older women who read the Twilight series. I get it.

But you don’t see everyone else dressing up hookers as wives and calling it original.

Aside from the fact that I could Ctrl + F and Replace All “Christian”s with “Edward”s and “Ana”s with “Bella”s—and every single side character corresponded with a Cullen or Jacob or Renée or Charlie—who read this poor excuse for a STORY and thought, “This is worth wasting time on!”?

I am gonna skip how bad the writing/editing piece of this project failed before I induce a migraine in myself for even trying.

But I won’t skip the storyline, of which there is hardly enough to mention. After Ana meets Christian (in the first chapter), she prances around with Alice/Rosalie/token friend/hot chick Kate and poorly disguised secondary love interest José, learns Christian’s whole “spanky, spanky” deal and then… have sex… and argue over dumb shit… and have more sex… and flirt/fight via e-mail like fuckin teenagers… and have more sex… for the whole rest of the book! No plot. No progression. No common sense. No nothing. Just… mind-numbing accounts of a virgin-turned-nympho.

Sounds familiar…

Anyway, movin on, ’cause I have shit to say, damn it. ANA IS A NEANDERTHAL. It had to be said. She possessed about 1/17 more brainpower than ol’ Bella, but you would never know it by the way she behaved. And Christian… really ain’t that bad of a guy. Yeah, the stalker shit was weird and he did have a tendency to overstep a boundary or two, but he was just chillin the fuck out, doin his thing before Ana came along and just judged the shit out of him for no reason! She really was awful to him.

Which is why I have no sympathy for the situation she put herself in in the end. Like honestly. YOU ASKED FOR IT ANA! I reserve no sympathy for self-inflicted wounds. And Ana was pretty much a self-righteous jerk the whole time anyway. Asshole.

I have more issues, but I simply cannot expend the energy at this point. I’m about 60 pages out from finishing Saltwater Vampires, and hopefully that giant ball of goodness will bleach my brain of this madness.

Why do I surrender to peer pressure? Yeah, the sex was hot. At first. But when you could care less about the people involved in those acts, life becomes difficult for the reader. And yet, here I am, willing to read the next in the series. (I kinda liked Christian… poor dude… kinda…)

One last thing? James, you should be ashamed of yourself for agreeing with whoever thought it was a good idea to pass this off to the public as original (and even worthy to publish) work. You should have used the opportunity to create something you could be proud of… Fuck, man.

And, finally, does anyone else think the cover doesn’t look like a tie at all, but a little malformed figurine or somethin? Or am I just daft like that?

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