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Rating: 1 of 5 stars/DNF
From the singular mind of horror maestro Rob Zombie comes a chilling plunge into a nightmare world where evil runs in the blood…
THE LORDS OF SALEM
Heidi Hawthorne is a thirty-seven-year-old FM radio DJ and a recovering drug addict. Struggling with her newfound sobriety and creeping depression, Heidi suddenly receives an anonymous gift at the station-a mysteriously shaped wooden box branded with a strange symbol. Inside the box is a promotional record for a band that identifies themselves only as The Lords. There is no other information.
She decides to play it on the radio show as a joke, and the moment she does, horrible things begin to happen. The strange music awakens something evil in the town. Soon enough, terrifying murders begin to happen all around Heidi. Who are The Lords? What do they want?
As old bloodlines are awakened and the bodies start to pile up, only one thing seems certain: all hell is about to break loose.
When I picked up this book at the airbase in August, I had no idea I have already added this to my TBR, but… Holy shit, this book. This book. I have been stuck on this book so freaking long that I lost interest in reading altogether. That’s some powerful off-putting mojo because, let’s face it, I have put myself through some pretty troubling books only to come out on the other side wanting to read a different book to get the bad taste out of my mouth.
The Lords of Salem? Made me never wanna pick up another book again.
It took me a while to realize why I was neglecting my readerly duties. I stopped adding books to my TBR for fear of never gettin’ around to ’em and everything. And it hit me, maybe a few hours ago, that I was stuck on this thing.
I am on page 239. The book, or at least the primary story line, essentially, begins on “Monday.” Where I am at my DNFing point, it’s “Thursday.” Wanna know what’s happened over the span of these 4 days?
Our protagonist, Heidi, entered the empty apartment across the hall and got attacked by skeletal things and naked women. And played a song on the radio that all the women in town seem to love and demand. One of the women who’s heard the song comes under some kind of possession and kills her boyfriend mid-coitus.
Some other creepy shit has happened, but nothing of absolute import, or at least it seems that way because Rob Zombie is so damned adamant in his writing about including every single little detail of each individual character’s friggin’ life. I started skimming when it took a 51-year-old woman ten densely paragraphed pages and two different scenes to pick up and knife and mutilate herself with it. Because before she even decided to pick up the knife, we just had to know how shitty her marriage, and, oh yeah, her life had been, right up until that very moment.
Now, I will give Rob Zombie a hand for writing some creepy, freaky, twisted shit. It’s the kind of thing that’s right up my alley, and I rarely get to read such dark fiction. So, kudos for that because, rambling and long-winded though it may be, The Lords of Salem *is* dark.
Unfortunately, that was literally the only aspect of this book I appreciated, of which there was far too little–and executed a tad too gracelessly–to persist through. Besides, I finished well over half this book, and there’s been seriously like zip action so far. Lots of conversation and exposition, even as far as 3/4ths of the way in, but very little, if any, real progression.
And I’m done. Moving on to other books that I *have* here with me in Turkey, and I’ll be damned if I leave this country without finishing at least one of the other books I came here with… 6 months ago.